Chemistry 116 or Why Calculus Isn't My Friend
The rose petals and confetti sprinkles have been swept into the dustbin, the flat champagne rinsed from lipstick-rimmed glasses. The icing embellishments have been picked and licked from the carved up remnants of a stale cake: Turn out the lights, the party's over - my pretty little A from Chemistry 113 has been tucked into bed and her ugly big brother, Chemistry 116, is at the door, brass knuckles in clenched fist, a cheap cigar streaming ashes down his hairy chest.
Dr. Steve Carell-Look-Alike/Talk-Alike (SCLATA) knew how to impress us when he blew stuff up in class the very first day - but with the sparkly flashes still delighting our eyes, he laid on the pain: Chemistry 116 isn't like 113 that much at all. It's harder. It involves Calculus and it's more attuned to engineering majors that the sweet life sciences... but that's too bad because you have to take it anyway. The second test in this class - on Chapters 16 and 17 - will be the hardest you take all year, and you'd better have a good understanding of Chapter 15 before we get there. Have fun, SUCKERS!
Here's all you need to know about my experiences with Calculus: When I took it as a senior in high school - AP Calculus - all of the girls in my class wore low-cut shirts and rode our big curves to the apex of the grading curve. I kid you not. And so, when I still thought I might (MIGHT!) be interested in taking some hard sciences in an attempt to go to med school, I enrolled in Calculus my first semester as an English major at Texas A&M - lo, those 20 (TWENTY!) years ago! And that first semester, I made all A's and one C. ... C is for Calculus. ... I made two C's during my entire tenure at A&M. (Linguistics was a bitch - Damn you, Beowulf!) And with those two C's I graduated with Magna Comes Loudly affixed to my Bachelor of Arts, instead of her hotter sister, Summa.
Suffice it to say, I now blame Calculus for my having to go back to college at the ripe old age of 37 in my third-life crisis of desire for med school. And here I am, facing my old nemesis again: Damn you, Calculus! I don't even know what a natural log IS - but I know it when I see it in the yard after Coolidge eats a hearty breakfast. I don't even know what a natural log DOES - except that it smells bad, both in my yard and in my chemistry notebook. Damn you, Calculus!