July 05, 2009

Political Spectrum Quiz - Go Figure

I'm not shocked to discover that I lean pretty hard Libertarian...

My Political Views
I am a centrist social libertarian
Right: 0.23, Libertarian: 5.03

Political Spectrum Quiz


I do believe my foreign policy views have been shaped by the blunders of the Bush Administration...

My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -1.11

Political Spectrum Quiz


And yeah, when it comes to free speech, freedom from religion, and the ability to make up my own mind without the interference from the moral certitude of others, I'm in the foxhole lobbing grenades in the culture wars...

My Culture War Stance
Score: -5.83

Political Spectrum Quiz

May 16, 2009

Chemistry 116: A is for...

... ass-kicked?

Because that's what happened to me this semester. I stumbled across the finish line last week with a bottom-scraping, round-up A on the final (87.8% - yes, I know, us old school folks aren't used to seeing anything in the 80s resembling an A, but welcome to the era of lowered expectations: I'll take it).

Thanks to the generosity of Dr. Steve Carell Look Alike, my "resurrection final" also replaced the worst grade from my previous three tests (83.8% - rate laws and equilibria) - thus I ended this forced-march of a semester with a 90.78%.

The good news is, I don't think the med school admissions officers check the actual percentages - an A is an A is an A. The bad news is, I still have Biology 1 & 2, Physics 1 & 2 and Organic Chemistry 1 & 2 before I can even apply. That being said, as much as I don't like acid-base titrations (a recent discovery), I think I had a lot more fun this semester... that is, if you can actually have fun water-boarding yourself.

Read on for more lessons learned from the 37-year-old Pre-Med Student...

Continue reading "Chemistry 116: A is for... " »

TURN IN THE TEST, MORON: What Happens When My Classmates Piss Me Off

In this era of lowered expectations, our student handbook states that if you have more than three exams on one day, you can petition to have one moved. Well, 12 of my classmates asked to have their test moved from Thursday (the first day of exams) to another day of Dr. Steve Carell Look Alike's choosing: The following Monday.

Because of the Monday 12, those of us taking the test on Thursday were not allowed to take our tests home after the exam (and check our answers against the grading key posted on the class website - which I do for every exam so I can get my grade before they're posted (and/or curved) because I'm a nerd, what can I say?) No, instead, we had to follow a strict procedure to ensure that our exam would not be leaked to the Monday 12: Turn in the test booklet to designated Teaching Assistant. Turn in our test answer sheet to Dr. Carell. Confirm with him and said TA that said TA had said test booklet and be on our merry way (or in the case of the four of us old enough [and cool enough to be invited]) to have a beer with Dr. Carell and the TAs.

Well, you can guess where this is going: Dr. Carell was late to our designated drinking establishment because one test booklet was unaccounted for, which could only mean one thing... So Dr. Carell sent out a class-wide email imploring the alleged skofflaw to turn in the test, lest he fail us all... and with a wink and a nod, I replied to all ...

Continue reading "TURN IN THE TEST, MORON: What Happens When My Classmates Piss Me Off" »

May 13, 2009

Home

bugs.jpg

Went home this weekend - to Louisiana and East Texas and back to Arizona, all in the span of three days.

Home: 70 percent humidity. 80 degrees. 100 percent misery. Even shade is no haven - the warm damp just sticks to the backs of your thighs like so many vinyl car seats. But it's my home - it's where I'm from, or as they say back home, where my people are from.

Now I make my home in Arizona. 15 percent humidity. 100 degrees. Sunshine 300 days of the year. Climatically, it's a much better trade off if you ask me - though it did my heart good to see the silver backs of oak leaves hissing in the wind. You don't really hear the breeze through the leaves out here in Arizona - and I don't really miss it until I go home to the tangle of kudzu among the trunks of roadside woods. Forest primeval and all that.

We ate crawfish - my all-time favorite food in the whole world and the very definition of "in season" and "locally grown." Apparently you dial a phone number 1-800-555-BUGS, and a nameless gentleman will meet you on the side of the road with some fifty-pound sacks on ice in the bed of his pick-up truck. Cash only. They were the most gorgeous big-fat mudbugs I've ever eaten (and yes, I say that every year - absence makes the heart grow fonder and the eyes grow bigger).

So we drank cold beer and ate hot bugs, and allow me to state for the record, that the folks back in Athens, Texas do a mighty fine job with the Pat and Stacy Krewe of Helios-Arizona gumbo recipe. We are honored to be on the guest list for the Clays' annual crawfish boil and I believe we've (I've) made it to each one (I believe attendance is mandatory since we were sort of the inspiration for the shindig). Truly, this is one of my trips "home" every year because I go to see old friends and my family makes the drive from Shreveport.

In his comet-like appearance - once in a blue moon, and really exciting when it happens - Pat riled up the children, demonstrating why it's important to pull up your shorts, lest you trip and fall while giving chase (or being chased).

Of course, he ended the evening with the unforgettable quote: "Where have y'all been all night? I've only saved the galaxy only three times while y'all've been out here drinking beer?"

He said it while holding a light saber and beating back a marauding horde of under-10s that came at him in waves like mini-Mel Gibsons from Braveheart.

And then it was time to come home. Pat says his home now is in Arizona - our home is here. I'd never go back to Louisiana to stay: There's not as much opportunity there for us, and frankly, it's too damn hot. But when I'm leaving to go there, I say I'm going home...

Home to the leafy trellis and porch swing in my folks' backyard, resonant with good memories and good times to come. Home to lazy drawls and screen porches and buzzing locusts and whining frogs. Home to people that sweat the crawfish season and compare gumbo recipes and bring sandwiches for the kids and anyone else, just in case they don't want crawfish. Home where your friends miss your mom because she couldn't make it this year to save the day like she always does.

But when it's time to take leave and return to the desert, I return with relish and longing. It's time to go back home, I say, back to our dogs and the nest that we've made, back to our backyard and our small piece of parched earth in this strong and barren landscape. It's good to be back home. It's more than where I hang my hat. It's where I lay my head and dream my dreams.

sunset.jpg

April 07, 2009

Fly, Meet Wall

As the aunt-by-marriage of a rock star, I can truthfully say that I have partied with rock stars... but after last Saturday night, I can also say with some certainty: Rock stars got nothin' on Nobel Laureates.

In my day job as public radio salesperson, I helped Dr. Lawrence Krauss, the director of the Origins Initiative at Arizona State University, promote his recent Origins Symposium. Basically he invited about 100 of the world's leading scientists to Tempe, locked them in a room and asked two questions:

What is the origin of the universe? What is the origin of life? Discuss.

Apparently all that thinking really takes it out of you because the attendees - among them, seven Nobel Laureates, the discoverer of Lucy, the sequencer of the human genome, and Lawrence (the guy that did the show on How William Shatner Changed the World) - all needed to kick back with a few cocktails on Saturday night. Little old me (on behalf of my sister-in-law, the swimsuit model) managed to procure an invitation for two: Fly, meet wall.

Read on, get smarter...

Continue reading "Fly, Meet Wall" »

April 01, 2009

Fun with Rotator Cuffs: The Sequel - Or Why Hanging Out in Hospitals is like Waiting in an Airport

For those of you scoring at home, Patrick "Flipper" Bertinelli successfully underwent his third shoulder / clavicle / upper extremity surgery in four years - the second in four months - yesterday at Arrowhead Hospital under the skilled knife of Dr. Evan Lederman, the official orthopedic surgeon of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona.

bag.jpg

My three regular readers have been through this drill before - so we put together the following FAQ segment to answer important medical questions in small words and big type so everyone can understand...

Continue reading "Fun with Rotator Cuffs: The Sequel - Or Why Hanging Out in Hospitals is like Waiting in an Airport" »

March 14, 2009

I Tried Out for the Navy SEALs - How I Spent My Spring Break, Part 3

teamwhite.jpg

Yes, you read that correctly: Kellee "Goat" Stooks and I, Stacy "Toes" Bertinelli (Team Limoncello), tried out for the Navy SEALs today. To say that we failed to make the team is something of an understatement. For starters, they don't allow girls to become SEALs, but even if they did, neither of us is 28 years old (maximum age to apply), and after our performance today, I can say with some degree of certainty that we would not be among their hallowed legions.

But at least we tried ... and we had fun ... and we were quite entertaining in the process.

Which is to say: Each of us swam 500 yards - breaststroke or sidestroke only, because you can't do the fly, backstroke or freestyle without coming out of the water, creating some splashy noise and making yourself into a nice target for a sniper. Then, after we managed to avoid drowning, we got to do as many push-ups as we could in 2 minutes, as many sit-ups as we could in 2 minutes and as many pull-ups as we could... period... and then we got to run 1.5 miles. Oh, and we were competing against aspiring Navy SEALs and Olympians who actually medaled in swimming in Beijing.

olympians.jpg

And we lived to tell about it - with photos!

Continue reading "I Tried Out for the Navy SEALs - How I Spent My Spring Break, Part 3" »

March 12, 2009

We Frame, We Saw, We Hammer - How We Spent Pat's Fur-cation, Part 2

We framed... we sawed... we hammered... We doubled the size of our backyard deck by ourselves and managed to stay married in the process. Behold, the Patrick and Stacy World Headquarters Backyard Deck:

Small, Petite, Decent but Workable Before:
deckbefore.jpg

Amazing, Awesome, Incredible and Humongous After:
afterdeck.jpg

Go ahead and admit it, you can't wait for Mardi Gras 2010 to trip the light fantastic on that dance floor - and no, we do not contract ourselves out. Mom already asked. And yes, I realize we said we weren't going to spend a lot of money on our fur-cation, so you'll be happy to know that we paid for half our materials with the coins I rolled from our change jar ($450) - though we had to take it to four different banks to get it converted to paper. Now that's what I call recessionary economics.

You can read more about this adventure, see pictures of Stacy using an actual saw and not amputating any of her own limbs, plus learn how to persuade your wife to help you build a deck... all after the jump.

Continue reading "We Frame, We Saw, We Hammer - How We Spent Pat's Fur-cation, Part 2" »

These are My Peeps - or How I Spent My Spring Break, Part 1

So Pat's employer graciously offered my sweet husband a one-week, NONPAID vacation in the form of a furlough. Since he had to take this "fur-cation / vaca-lough" before the end of the first quarter, we decided to coordinate it with my Arizona State University spring break (March 9-13). Depending on how you look at it, this week-long sojourn is either a sign of the times or a sign of the apocalypse.

SIGN OF THE TIMES: Unlike my classmates who have trotted off to exotic locales (Lake Havasu) for exotic beverages (Milwaukee's Best) and exotic endeavors (waking up in their own vomit on Dad's credit card), Pat and I have undertaken a few household chores that we'd been avoiding - cleaning out the office and doing yardwork (more on that later). Oh, and did I mention we gave up alcohol for Lent?

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE: Just because we're sober, doesn't mean we have to be serious, which is why I've also used this week to participate in a fun creative endeavor that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten around to. Behold, the Washington Post Peeps Diorama Contest, 2009.

Depict an historic or cultural event by using marshmallow Peeps (bunnies or chicks) as your medium. I was inspired by current affairs and chose to re-enact "Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Pardoning the Thanksgiving Turkey." You may have caught this on YouTube - where another turkey gets the axe in full view of the cameras. Here's my depiction from two angles - one as though you were watching it on MSNBPeeps...

palinpeep2sm.jpg

And the other as if you were on scene with the governor, the TV crews and the decaPEEPtation.

palinpeep1sm.jpg

Now, I can't win the contest because I am not a resident of the District of Columbia, but I hope to make the finals. Will let you know when voting commences so you can give a shout out to YOUR PEEPS (and vote early and often for me). I may actually have enough time before the weekend is done to crank out another PEEPtacular diorama, so stay tuned...


February 27, 2009

THE KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA BOOK OF GOODNESS: Our Recipes

So every year, we cook a big slew of food for Mardi Gras. Every year, our friends descend on our kitchen like a swarm of locusts and devour our gumbo, red beans, muffalettas and grits in less time than it takes Jim "It Burns! It Burns!" Cox to say, "DAMN, THAT'S HOT, PASS ME SOME MILK!"

And every year, people defy our warnings (Don't park there, Brownie!): They show up late, forlornly look at the dregs of red beans, try to scrape some grit-shards off the pan, and whine because the food's all gone. And then, they spend the better part of the evening asking about a fabled mythical beast known as the "muffaletta" - because they've never seen one, let alone tasted one, because they arrive late after all the food is gone.

Wonder why that is? Probably because our Mardi Gras spread is so damn good. Our Krewe of Helios-Arizona Gumbo is so good, in fact, that it has been featured on national television - via the Rachel Ray Show - thanks, Val! And because the mission of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona is to spread Louisiana culture throughout the Southwest (thereby enhancing the gene pool), we'd like to share with you our very own recipes - painstakingly rendered so you don't hurt yourself in a feeble attempt to imitate our greatness.

Please know that if you have any questions while you're attempting one of the following, you're welcome to call us and ask for help. Just don't call while the roux is on the burner. Here are the links to our recipes - along with color commentary.

THE KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA GUMBO RECIPE: After many years of requests and many months in the Pat and Stacy World Headquarters Test Kitchens, we finally posted the official recipe back in May. Problem is, I created a cool graphic of how dark the roux actually gets, but you can't see that graphic unless you're on a Mac. So, get a Mac. Otherwise, follow the trusted "penny" rule - it'll never let you down.
We really have nothing to add to the Gumbo recipe, except for one small thing: The version we posted is for human consumption - if you'd like to add a Pat-sized kick to it, we recommend purchasing some Blair's CAJUN DEATH RAIN and adding one tablespoon of Cajun on top of the other spices. If you want to feel like Jim "It Burns! It Burns!" Cox, buy some Blair's NITRO Death Rain and add LESS THAN A HALF-TEASPOON to the pot. Do not say you weren't warned about the NITRO.

JALAPENO-BACON-GARLIC-CHEESE GRITS aka WHY WE LOVE OUR BROTHER-IN-LAW GENE with vegetarian variation

OUR UNDER-ESTIMATED BUT OFTEN APPRECIATED RED BEANS AND RICE aka YOUR INTRODUCTION TO CAULDRON COOKING

THE MOST AWESOME AND ETHNICALLY OFFENSIVE SANDWICH IN THE UNIVERSE: MUFFALETTAS WITH WOP MIX

Now, enjoy our food and laissez les bon temps roulez!