Am I really the person you want removing your appendix?
I ask because I'm the same person that registered for the wrong physics class at Scottsdale Community College this semester, resulting in my transforming from an Artichoke into a Community College Drop-out in the span of about four days. Did I mention I graduated magma comes loudly my first time out of the chute in the academic rodeo?
Didn't think so - but it's still a good story.
School starts on Monday, August 24 - one year to the day since I started this pre-med adventure - and sadly, I will NOT be going back to ASU...
... ass-kicked?
Because that's what happened to me this semester. I stumbled across the finish line last week with a bottom-scraping, round-up A on the final (87.8% - yes, I know, us old school folks aren't used to seeing anything in the 80s resembling an A, but welcome to the era of lowered expectations: I'll take it).
Thanks to the generosity of Dr. Steve Carell Look Alike, my "resurrection final" also replaced the worst grade from my previous three tests (83.8% - rate laws and equilibria) - thus I ended this forced-march of a semester with a 90.78%.
The good news is, I don't think the med school admissions officers check the actual percentages - an A is an A is an A. The bad news is, I still have Biology 1 & 2, Physics 1 & 2 and Organic Chemistry 1 & 2 before I can even apply. That being said, as much as I don't like acid-base titrations (a recent discovery), I think I had a lot more fun this semester... that is, if you can actually have fun water-boarding yourself.
Read on for more lessons learned from the 37-year-old Pre-Med Student...
In this era of lowered expectations, our student handbook states that if you have more than three exams on one day, you can petition to have one moved. Well, 12 of my classmates asked to have their test moved from Thursday (the first day of exams) to another day of Dr. Steve Carell Look Alike's choosing: The following Monday.
Because of the Monday 12, those of us taking the test on Thursday were not allowed to take our tests home after the exam (and check our answers against the grading key posted on the class website - which I do for every exam so I can get my grade before they're posted (and/or curved) because I'm a nerd, what can I say?) No, instead, we had to follow a strict procedure to ensure that our exam would not be leaked to the Monday 12: Turn in the test booklet to designated Teaching Assistant. Turn in our test answer sheet to Dr. Carell. Confirm with him and said TA that said TA had said test booklet and be on our merry way (or in the case of the four of us old enough [and cool enough to be invited]) to have a beer with Dr. Carell and the TAs.
Well, you can guess where this is going: Dr. Carell was late to our designated drinking establishment because one test booklet was unaccounted for, which could only mean one thing... So Dr. Carell sent out a class-wide email imploring the alleged skofflaw to turn in the test, lest he fail us all... and with a wink and a nod, I replied to all ...
Continue reading "TURN IN THE TEST, MORON: What Happens When My Classmates Piss Me Off" »
The rose petals and confetti sprinkles have been swept into the dustbin, the flat champagne rinsed from lipstick-rimmed glasses. The icing embellishments have been picked and licked from the carved up remnants of a stale cake: Turn out the lights, the party's over - my pretty little A from Chemistry 113 has been tucked into bed and her ugly big brother, Chemistry 116, is at the door, brass knuckles in clenched fist, a cheap cigar streaming ashes down his hairy chest.
Continue reading "Chemistry 116 or Why Calculus Isn't My Friend" »
... ass-kicking?
Because that's what I did in Chemistry 113 this semester! I made a 96.8% overall, good for an A and 0.2 points shy of an A+!
I pulled a 98% on the final exam - courtesy of a 6-point curve, which I delightfully helped set since the aspiring Taco Bell assistant managers and future Wal-Mart greeters that are my classmates AVERAGED a 63.5% on said final. (Not that I have anything against Taco Bell assistant managers or Wal-Mart greeters since they are taxpaying contributors to our society, but that I don't want them removing my appendix. Please re-read that statement: They AVERAGED a 63.5% - it wasn't a mean score. They had to work hard to drag me down.)
So what's next... well, Chem 2, Bio 1, Bio 2, Physics 1, Physics 2 and Organic Chem 1 and 2. And then I get to take the MCAT and apply to med school. Whew!
Right now, I'm sweating out the failure rate of my classmates because without at least a quarter of them going the way of the Colorado pikeminnow I won't be able to take Chemistry 2 as I need to take classes that don't interfere with my gainful employment and taxpaying contributions to society. Due to recent budget cuts, there's only one Chemistry 116 class that fits those criteria (and the Biology and Physics offerings don't conform too well either). Sadly, as a non-degree graduate student, I get to PAY grad-student rates for freshman-level, weed-out classes, and I also get the privilege of registering LAST for said classes. Ergo, I get the dregs... and I get to pay through the nose for it.
That said, even if I don't make it into Chemistry 116 - or freshman-level chemistry 2 for civilians - I wouldn't have traded the experience for the world. Read on to learn what I've been learning...
For those about to rock, we salute you: Made a raw 92 on the final exam. Not even sure what the knuckle-dragging chuckleheads in my class are capable of achieving. On the last test, they AVERAGED a 58%, so I could have a lot of fun with this... and the good news is, my lowest test score is an 84, and it will be replaced by my final exam score... so I unofficially have an A... even without the curve, which I have become quite adept at helping set.
More to come later. I'm just going to have a cocktail right now and savor the goodness of a job well done.
I love school. This is so damn much fun.
Took my third and penultimate exam last Monday... missed two... scored a 92, which is an A.
Fortunately, the intellectual giants that are my classmates managed to score an average 62, ergo, Dr. Younger-Than-I added six points to everyone's score, giving me a buffed-and-polished 98.
I AM PROUD TO CALL MYSELF THE CURVE BUSTER!!!
And speaking of kicking people to the curb, I believe Baby Mama has dropped the class and has taken up knitting full time. Didn't see her at the exam... or in lab. I can only be so lucky... or not. Read the next entry and find out why.
I am midway through my first semester back in school since 1993. Having been surrounded by 66,000 beacons of hope for the future (at our nation's largest public university), I've decided what's wrong with America's youth: It's their parents.
Put on your Kevlar underpants, kids: This is going to be an 8.0 magnitude earthshaker on the Richter Scale of hate-generating offense. (Fortunately for me, Pat still hasn't fixed the comments section - but that doesn't mean you can't spam my inbox). If you are a parent and would like to retain some small shred of regard for the author, I suggest you stop reading now and click on over to hotchickswithdouchebags.com for some mindless entertainment (but only if you're sure your precious progeny isn't featured therein).
If you would like to learn how to arrest America's inexorable slide into a bleating wasteland of sheeplike zombies, read on... but don't say you weren't warned.
Official results from the first exam are in, and I actually did better than expected (because my cohort did much worse). I scored a raw 92 (missed 2) - compared to the class AVERAGE of 68. Because Dr. Younger-Than-Me's other chemistry section scored a class AVERAGE of 72, he gave us each 4 extra points, meaning my standard grade-A 92 is now a buffed and polished grade-A 96!!! Just one point shy of an A+.
Pardon me while I do a massive white-girl victory dance on my living room floor: WOO-HOO!!!
Sadly, I hope Dr. Younger isn't kicking himself because my 199 classmates AVERAGED a 68 (which, in this day and age is considered a C, but back in the day was considered a D+). Yes, you read that correctly, our class AVERAGED a 68 - it wasn't the median score. I can only attribute this piss-poor performance to the fact that THESE KIDS ARE FREAKIN' TEENAGERS AND HAVE NO CLUE.
Read on for my screed against America's youth ...
Took my first chemistry exam this evening. The unofficial results are in:
Continue reading "First Exam - For Those About to Rock, We Salute You" »
The time: 8th grade... 24-or-so years ago...
The place: The kitchen table of my youth, where I sometimes worked on my homework and where I had breakfast with my Daddy every morning while he read the paper.
The problem: Pre-algebra. Juan's father is one third as old as he was when Juan was born but twice as old as when Juan's sister was born. If Juan's father takes the 4:15 train to New Jersey, how old will Juan's first cousin, twice-removed, be when Juan's father turns 52?
Now my recollection of this word problem is not entirely accurate, as I have since consumed copious quantities of a chemical substance (ETOH) to purge this experience from my mind. You see, Juan's father kicked my father's ass. My Daddy is a mechanical engineer and as such was always a reliable homework helper when it came to math. He wouldn't do the problems for us, but he would gently outline a systematic approach to a given problem and guide my sister and me step by step until we arrived at the conclusion, which we would then check in the answer section in the back of the book. A foregone conclusion ... Until we met Juan's father, who was a "bonus" question and therefore, not included in the answer section in the back of the book.
Suffice it to say, we worked on that problem until well past my bed time, and even after I trundled off to sleep, my Daddy continued wrestling with Juan's father. When I came down for breakfast the next morning, my bleary-eyed father shared his solution (choose all that apply):
1) Juan's father was a $^%*&#*@ and there is no answer to this problem. They must have made an error in the printing of your textbook.
2) Juan's father was from Arkansas and his family tree is a wreath
3) You're going to have to get your math teacher to work this problem on the board for you - and copy down all the steps - because I cannot for the life of me figure this out.
The answer was what we'd call a "Duh! moment" - so simple, it's best left to the forgotten confines of history. And really, it doesn't matter now because Juan's father has been usurped by gold leaf. Behold - the word problem that took me six attempts before I finally looked in the back of the book for the answer and still had to work it backwards twice before I came to the correct conclusion:
(And I don't even have to look in the book to transcribe it because it's burned upon my cortex)
Gold is an element that can be expressed in extremely thin sheets called "gold leaf." The density of gold is 19.32 g/cm^3 (grams per cubic centimeter). If a 200 mg (milligram) sample of gold is formed into a sheet with a surface area of 2.4 feet x 1 foot, what is the thickness of the sheet in meters? Please express your answer using scientific notation.
The answer: In a subsequent post.
The conclusion: Juan's father can kiss my (and my Daddy's) asses. Welcome to chemistry!
**Oh, and I'll buy a drink for the person who comes up with the first correct answer. Still not sure if the comments are working, so send me an email just in case
Random bits of sports trivia... obscure events in world history... state capitals... lines from Monty Python films: My brains cast off the detritus of 36 years like an ion stream, making room for mixtures, compounds, elements, molecules, intensive and extensive properties, matter, mass and volume.
As the rust (a chemical reaction) flakes off the gears of my mind, I retrieve snippets of chemistry from the long-locked closet of learning. Reviewing the Periodic Table of Elements last night, I remembered Ni (nickel), Au (gold), Fe (iron), Be (beryllium) right off the bat - and how often have you heard the word 'beryllium' since high school? But get this, since I took chemistry in high school 20 years ago, THEY'VE ADDED NEW ELEMENTS!!! There's like 117 of them now - I think we only had about 100 when I was in school.
When I was in school... I have already promised my chemistry lab partners as well as my recitation team that I will not say, "When I was in school..." Of my three lab partners, one was born the year I started college THE FIRST TIME - that would be 1989. I didn't fare too much better on recitation - five boys plus me - and three of them were born in 1990. Another is GARRETT THE INVISIBLE MAN who didn't show up for recitation (which, by the way, is forced study hall) and made our exercises all the more difficult. The other is Dave who wouldn't say how old he was until I said, "Dude, I was born in 1971 - bring it." He was born in 1980 - and is doing the same thing I'm doing: Going back for his pre-reqs so he can get into dental school.
So at least I'm not the only one, but I know I'm still the oldest one.
My head hurts from all this learning. Last night was my first without post-work class this week, and I took time off to watch the Obama speech. I awoke in a panic this morning, thinking I'd already forgotten the definition of matter (anything that has mass and takes up space) but then I realized that chemistry serves as an apt metaphor for my brain matter: Chemistry takes up space formerly occupied by food and wine pairings... Italian grammar... Shakespeare's sonnets... and maybe the infield fly rule.
Dude, this is gonna be so hard.
I am older than my chemistry instructor, Dr. Allan Scruggs. Not quite sure by how much, but I probably have a good year or two on him, which is fine - really - because if I had been a teenaged cautionary tale, I could have given birth to every single one of my classmates. (Not at the same time, obviously)
Yeah, I feel old - but then again, I'm 36 and taking freshman-level chemistry for science majors. At the bookstore today when I was standing in line to buy my 16.2 pounds worth of text book, lab manual, lab notebook, sexy protective lab goggles, student's guide and student's guide answer book, the kid behind me tapped me on the shoulder:
"Ma'am, is this a line to buy books or just T-shirts?"
"Well, I sure hope it's for books because I'm standing in the same line as you," I said. "And by the way, it's charming that you called me ma'am."
"Better than the alternative," he said. So much for respecting your elders.
Suffice it to say, you will hear this more than once from my fingertips during this semester: WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL (15 years ago), WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS STUFF!!! THESE KIDS HAVE IT SO EASY!!!
I mean, seriously, Dr. Scruggs literally spelled out how to pass his class: He put the instructions in bullet points. Review 8-12 hours per week. Read a half-chapter ahead of each class. Read after class. Do the practice EXAM questions, and if we can't figure those out, take advantage of one of the THREE (3!?!) additional study periods where they review what he just went over in lecture. Download his notes off the Internet so I can preview before class, follow along during class and review after class. I don't even have to take notes - I just have to pay attention and read and show up and do the practice problems ($42 study guide) and check those against the practice SOLUTIONS (another $42 for the answer book- there's a nice little racket for you). I'm not going to say it will be easy, because truly, I could feel the rust grinding off the gears of my brains when he started talking about molecules and elements today, but still...
I may not be the brightest bulb in this stadium, but I'm certainly not the dimmest either. When he asked how many students were pre-med, about 60 percent of the hands went up... including mine. I will be interested to calculate the attrition - which is math that we salespeople do all the time.
Stay tuned... tomorrow we have chemistry lab and I'm wearing my goggles!
It's been 15 years, three months and 10 days since I graduated, magna comes loudly, with degrees in English and History from Texas A&M.
For the first seven years, I worked as a sportswriter, won some awards and had many adventures. There was a gap year when I got married and worked a soul-crushing stint at a hellhole I'd not care to recall. And for the past seven years, I've been in sales at Public Radio Partners, doing a job I love with people I adore, serving clients that are the coolest in the world, and helping fund my favorite nonprofit, public radio stations, KJZZ-NPR/Jazz and KBAQ-Classical.
But tomorrow - Monday, August 25, 2008 - at the ripe old age of 36, I'm going back to school - taking Chemistry 113, plus a lab, plus a recitation (?) at Arizona State University - so I can (hopefully) complete my science prerequisites in 2-3 years, take the MCAT (pass the MCAT), apply and get into to medical school.