I played in the 2010 World Series of Poker, Ladies No-Limit Hold'em Championship, this weekend, finishing somewhere between 525th and 550th place of 1,054 entrants. (When you finish as early as I did, they don't bother to write down your name). Compared to my WSOP debut in 2008, I have definitely improved my game, while managing to achieve some personal benchmarks:

1) I made it past the first break and waded further into the field. I survived about 4.5 hours, just shy of the third break of the afternoon and finished roughly mid-pack after finishing in the bottom 25% in 2008.

2) When the 2005 Ladies Champion, actress Jennifer Tilly, sat down to my left, I didn't throw up (though I did manage to do that later on in the evening). I outlasted her and got the best of her in one pot - so I know I can hold my own against really good players.

3) I learned that I can survive significant runs of bad cards and major hits to my chip stack and fight my way back into contention - rather than circle the toilet of despair (which happened later that evening).

4) I now know that if you're a guy and decide to enter the ladies-only event at the World Series because you think it'll be easy, you will be mocked and ridiculed so brutally, you might as well check your wedding tackle at the door since you won't be needing it when the girls are done with you.

5) I learned that if a blind squirrel plays poker for 16 hours over the course of 3 days, eventually she might stumble onto the nuts and take home a tidy $819 for fourth place in another tournament.

6) I discovered that if this whole poker thing doesn't work out for me, my husband has a future as a competitive eater.

CAMP PENDLETON, Ca. -- Team Limoncello completed the World Famous Marine Corps Mud Run in 1 hour, 56 minutes, 9 seconds on Saturday.

Comprised of Team Captain Stacy "Toes" Bertinelli, Team Athletic Gear Aficionado Jason "I Lost 90 Pounds" Robert, Team Wine Connoisseur Lisa "Mud Bath" Dinsmore, Team Cheerleader Dave "DAVE!" Dinsmore, Team Celebrity Trainer Christopher "I Can't Believe I Made It!" Ross Lane and Team Last-Minute Substitute Juri "My Feet Don't Touch the Bottom in this River" Yamashita, our intrepid harriers finished the Mixed Team division in a hangover-free 176th place of 268 teams.

Or in the words of Team Sherpa / Photographer Patrick "Disabled List" Bertinelli: "Man, y'all suck."

Even though it was the fastest mixed-drink team in its age group, Team Limoncello's less-than-triumphant finish has posed some interesting questions for scientific inquiry into the limits of human endurance...

If you listen to the wailing on both sides, you would think that SB1070 was written by a blood-thirsty lynch mob of cross-burning Klansmen chasing after a meth-fueled gang of gun-running, home-invading felons. As with anything extruded by the legislative process, the issue is a bit more complex.

So as a former Louisiana voter, a retired "journalist" and a registered lobbyist with the state of Arizona, here's my take on Arizona's "tough stance on immigration reform" or SB on SB 1070, if you will.

At 5:30 PM I got the call: "You entered a drawing in January at the movie theater, and we'd like to congratulate you on being a finalist for the Grand Prize. As a finalist, you can choose from five fabulous vacation getaways. Please call to claim your finalist prize and learn more about the upcoming Grand Prize $100,000 drawing."

I called back...

They are not talking about re-engineering the ingredients - MSM (Mechanically Separated Meat aka lips and assholes, snouts and tails), fats (trans, partially hydrogenated, lard) binders (cereals, soy, gluten) and preservatives like sodium nitrite and sodium erythorbate. They are talking about its fundamental essence of hot-dogness.

These are people who should have better things to do with their time and our public discourse, like REASSURE YOU THAT YOUR KID'S RUNNY NOSE IS NOT THE FIRST SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE. Instead, they just want to take all the fun out of food for the rest of us.

"If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child's airway, it would be a hot dog," says statement author Gary Smith, (avowed hot-dog hater) and director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. "No parents can watch all of their kids 100% of the time. The best way to protect kids is to design these risks out of existence."

Design these risks out of existence? Are you kidding me? Who do these weenies think they are?

We have enough engineered foods without going after my favorite low-rent meat product. If you really want to tackle a serious societal ill, go after SPAM, and I'm not talking about potted meat. Come to think of it, SPAM too is inherently dangerous: It can be weaponized when hurled at Gary Smith's head! Sadly, projectile SPAM isn't guaranteed to knock some sense into him, and that, my friends, is a design flaw.

Read on... it gets worse, or just stop here and join us for protest hot dogs today at the Roosevelt.

We hope y'all will join us for the Eighth Annual Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party:
Saturday, January 30, 2010
4PM-10PM***
Pat and Stacy World Headquarters
24952 N. 74th Place
Scottsdale AZ 85255

As many of you have been here, done this and actually returned home with a T-shirt (and boatloads of authentic Mardi Gras beads), no changes have been made to our parade route or party format - but in case you had one too many hurricanes last year - or the year before that, or the year before that - here it is in a nutshell:

Arrive on time (4 PM) for the parade... bring the kiddos, a friend and a lawn chair, but no four-legged companions... genuflect before our 2010 Parade Queen Tami Simmons... catch the bountiful beads raining down from our cul-de-sac-circumnavigating flotilla of floats (but please, keep your clothes on)... get in line... eat some homemade Cajun goodness (gumbo, red-beans-and-rice, grits, muffalettas)... drink some hurricanes (but not too many)... eat a slice of authentic New Orleans king cake (but don't choke on the baby) and laissez les bon temps rouler!

For those of you who do not arrive on time (4 PM), don't whine to us that you are eating the pan-scrapings of cold grits. Do not complain that you have never seen a muffaletta and believe it to be offensive to your Italian heritage. Don't be upset when you see others wearing cool KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA T-SHIRTS. You have been warned: The time is anointed, so don't be disappointed. 4 o'clock is the time to rock.

And for those of you late-arriving lackeys that look at your watch at 9:30 PM and think, "Hey, now's a great time to show up for the party!" THINK AGAIN! Our neighbors are nice people. They tolerate an annual parade on their street. They dig Mardi Gras beads out of their cacti and allow strangers to park in their driveways in exchange for our annual romp through the culinary goodness of the Bayou State. We like them. They tolerate us. They like to sleep (and so do I). The finish time for our party is 10 PM. If you are here at 9:59, expect a gentle serenade of "Turn Out the Lights, the Party's Over." If you arrive at 10:05, you will feel the wrath of cranky Stacy. Six hours is plenty of time to party!

So come on out and have some fun - January 30 - yes, it's early. The actual Fat Tuesday is February 16, but we'll be at our hometown Mardi Gras and the weekend before that is Super Bowl weekend, ergo, we decided to kick off the parade season... and yes, we are on the national parade calendar... but no, we are not the first parade of the year. So come on out and have some fun!

Krewe of Helios Arizona Mardi Gras Parade
Saturday, January 30, 2010
4PM-10PM

Be there, aloha!

(And for those of you who haven't been with us before, you can check out our parade etiquette and rules in this delightful 7th edition explanation... or even the 6th edition... or the 4th... you get the picture)

After spending 2009 overdosing on Vitamin B (for Bacon), Team Limoncello decided to kick the new year off right with some good, old-fashioned Vitamin D (sunshine) and Vitamin E (exercise): Bike-N-Hike 2010.

The plan: Depart from the Pat and Stacy World Headquarters (elev 593) at 11 AM - riding our bikes 5 miles straight uphill on Happy Valley to the Pinnacle Peak Trail Head (elev 779 feet). Dismount our bikes, lock them up, change shoes and hike to the summit of Pinnacle Peak (elev 2889 feet). After working up a sweat and a good appetite, we would roll down the road (0.4 miles) to Blu Burger Grill (elev 765) where we would enjoy tasty gourmet burgers and their full bar. Suitably sated, we'd roll back downhill to the Pat and Stacy World Headquarters. (Because we don't like to exert ourselves after we make pigs of ourselves).

As usual, things didn't always turn out as planned - but that didn't mean we didn't have a good time!

Now you can add getting a spray-on tan to that list.

Burning through $3,361 of the house's money in just under two weeks: Priceless.

Guess I gotta get back to work now.

*When I joined the board of Local First, I told our executive director Kimber that I'd give her a 10% stake in all my winnings. Prior to the Ladies State Poker Championship, my contributions amounted to $6 here, $30 there and a whopping $1.20 on one memorable occasion. It was quite a treat to count out $331 at the last board meeting, and one of our new members actually made a motion to send me to Vegas for a fundraiser. The Nays carried.

That would be me doing snow angels on my bed in the $3,361 that I won for finishing seventh at the Fourth Annual Arizona State Ladies Poker Championship on Saturday at Casino Arizona.

I ask because I'm the same person that registered for the wrong physics class at Scottsdale Community College this semester, resulting in my transforming from an Artichoke into a Community College Drop-out in the span of about four days. Did I mention I graduated magma comes loudly my first time out of the chute in the academic rodeo?

Didn't think so - but it's still a good story.

"You know, I thought your post-op instructions were awesome - I mean, there's no misunderstanding involved at all with: DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. I thought that was hilarious."

"Well, it's not a joke. You'd think when we told people not to have sex or use tampons for two weeks that they would have figured it out, but no, we had a woman who did some damage with a really large dildo. So we had to be very clear."

Ergo, anything.

"So what's the strangest thing you've ever found in a vagina?"

"Me?" she looked up from the modesty drape and thought for a moment. "Toothpaste."

"Toothpaste," I said. "Guess she was going for that minty fresh feel."

"I had no idea. I couldn't figure that one out - toothpaste."

She must've had a really bad cavity.

(Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses - we'll be here all week. Hat-tip to Pat for that one.)

I'm having gynecological surgery, an in-office procedure to remove a benign polyp from my uterus. No, it is NOT a fetus - come on now, settle down. I'm not that bad - close, but not there yet.

To ensure I was comfortable with and prepared for my procedure, my doctor discussed in person and then mailed a hard copy of the pre- and post-op directions. They included the Most Important Safety Tip EVER.

My Political Views
I am a centrist social libertarian
Right: 0.23, Libertarian: 5.03

Political Spectrum Quiz

I do believe my foreign policy views have been shaped by the blunders of the Bush Administration...

My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -1.11

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And yeah, when it comes to free speech, freedom from religion, and the ability to make up my own mind without the interference from the moral certitude of others, I'm in the foxhole lobbing grenades in the culture wars...

My Culture War Stance
Score: -5.83

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